Everyone has asked me why hadn’t I been writing lately. What happened to the page….so many of you still check it daily (according to the stats) sending messages asking me to come back. What happened?
Well, let me tell the truth from the beginning. Don’t they say the truth will set you free? Hopefully it sets me free.
For the past few years I have been going through a serious bout of depression. It hasn’t been debilitating as far as work goes(because learned to lie about how I felt daily and go my ass to work) but it has made me retreat into my own mind. I went to work and came home and got in the bed. I only did the most necessary things then back in the bed. Part of this depression stemmed from a abusive relationship. I know right! Me……..Kanika in a abusive relationship but it is definitely a first and Lord willing the last. It wasnt a physically abusive situation but Emotional abuse being done to an already Mentally ill/ fractured person can cause deeper damage than you can imagine.
That relationship was a product of my own doing. Why? Because I took a temporary person/situation and tried to transfer feelings from another completely unresolved connection on to a incompatible host. So as time went on, what was seemed to be a good idea turned into one of the most unforgettable experiences I’ve ever had the displeasure of going through.
Not to take anything away from the guy. He is a good guy. Got good qualities, a person who loves hard, loyal, a somewhat decent set of core values… he just doesnt live in reality, very insecure and very jealous hearted.
Those qualities ( and a few others) just didnt line up with mine. Those qualities made me feel more down than up and i started to regress into myself. I gained an extreme amount of weight, stopped caring for things and people who were important to me.
I will say though, during that period I learned a ton of shit I should have known before. How to be grateful, how to humble myself, how to submit to a certain degree, I learned I had feelings, I learned what I wanted from a relationship and what I didnt want. I also learned that Independent is not what I want to be for the rest of my life. A wife is the helpmate, not the head. And I have a role that my husband of the future must be willing to allow me to take once he comes into my life.
I need to be able to be me at all times. However I want to be at whatever time I need to be because I can be many things during a 24 hr period.
So …… there you go. You asked where I was. As time goes on I may elaborate on more about this period then it will shed more light on whats happening now.
Until then, I’ll continue the journey to righteousness and truth.
Thats my truth for the day….. let it continue to change me.