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Poem

I hear voices
My mind does not rest.
It plays games with me
Singing songs of inferior feelings
Superior beings
I hear voices
All day long fighting in my ear
Running through my head with muddy feet
Leaving a mess for me to clean
Im tired
I want them to quite down but instead they get louder,
More unbearably annoying and even more demanding of my time
My mind won’t shut down
My body doesnt move, I cant move
Movement hurts so i just lay here
Listening
Everyone is talking at the same time

Tell the Truth

Everyone has asked me why hadn’t I been writing lately. What happened to the page….so many of you still check it daily (according to the stats) sending messages asking me to come back. What happened?
Well, let me tell the truth from the beginning. Don’t they say the truth will set you free? Hopefully it sets me free.

For the past few years I have been going through a serious bout of depression. It hasn’t been debilitating as far as work goes(because learned to lie about how I felt daily and go my ass to work) but it has made me retreat into my own mind. I went to work and came home and got in the bed. I only did the most necessary things then back in the bed. Part of this depression stemmed from a abusive relationship. I know right! Me……..Kanika in a abusive relationship but it is definitely a first and Lord willing the last. It wasnt a physically abusive situation but Emotional abuse being done to an already Mentally ill/ fractured person can cause deeper damage than you can imagine.

That relationship was a product of my own doing. Why? Because I took a temporary person/situation and tried to transfer feelings from another completely unresolved connection on to a incompatible host. So as time went on, what was seemed to be a good idea turned into one of the most unforgettable experiences I’ve ever had the displeasure of going through.
Not to take anything away from the guy. He is a good guy. Got good qualities, a somewhat decent set of core values… he just doesnt live in reality, very insecure and very jealous hearted.
Those qualities ( and a few others) just didnt line up with mine. Those qualities made me feel more down than up and i started to regress into myself. I gained an extreme amount of weight, stopped caring for things and people who were important to me.

I will say though, during that period I learned a ton of shit I should have known before. How to be grateful, how to humble myself, how to submit to a certain degree, I learned I had feelings, I learned what I wanted from a relationship and what I didnt want. I also learned that Independent is not what I want to be for the rest of my life. A wife is the helpmate, not the head. And I have a role that my husband of the future must be willing to allow me to take once he comes into my life.

I need to be able to be me at all times. However I want to be at whatever time I need to be because I can be many things during a 24 hr period.
So …… there you go. You asked where I was. As time goes on I may elaborate on more about this period then it will shed more light on whats happening now.

Until then, I’ll continue the journey to righteousness and truth.
Thats my truth for the day….. let it continue to change me.

Kiki Is Real
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Truth and Memories

In my 41 yrs of life I’ve made quite a few mistakes, missteps, fumbles, trips and falls. I always seem to land back on my feet though.  Unfortunately, not this time. This time…I just got knocked so far off my feet I can’t run for cover if I wanted to. However, in this moment in time…..I learned something very valuable. Never allow the love you have for someone else be stronger than the love you have for you. 

This month …..May 2016 has been a month of emotional turmoil for me. Complete and utter turmoil and I’ve been sick the whole time. Sometimes physically sick- it’s been coming and going. My main sickness is emotional. And it’s crippling.  Never would I believe that I could allow someone to get so close to me to hurt me to this point. The feeling I had was one of the worst feelings I’ve felt since a child. And the cry that came from my body for days on end reminded me of the moments as a kid when I had to leave my grandma to come back home, or the day my father left me to pick up my Grandmother off the floor after he hit her and knocked her down the ground, knocked out. I watched in terror and tears as my father and stepmother walked away. I thought she was dead as she lay on the floor……still. No movement. No response to my loud and panicked cries over her frail body. I felt helpless and abandoned. 

This month of May reminded me of those feelings again. That combined with the pain from this ole bullshit I tripped on, the cry that came from my body was from my soul. The pit of my stomach. The little corner in my heart where only a few people live.  That’s where this cry came from. It’s been a long time, so long that I didn’t know I had the capacity to feel that strongly about anything or anybody. Now knowing that fact has placed me on my back.  In the bed. Fighting demons that laid dormant for many many yrs. 

My kids leave on Fridays to their fathers house every weekend. This past weekend my daughter whose 11 chose to stay home and sent her brother alone. I asked why, she said she just wanted to stay. But the events that happened this weekend I now know it was God that made her stay.  If she hadn’t been here I would have been found by my children when they came home.  Cold and dead.

The realization of that has now snapped me back to a forward position. I was regressing instead of progressing and I’ve seen too many times how that story ends. And I promised myself that I would never allow anyone to get me of out of myself again and viola!! Just like that…………I changed. 

Be careful how you treat people, some people don’t recover. 
That’s my truth for today. Let it change me. 

Kiki is Real………………….

The Fall of Wonder Woman

Well…… it has happened. The Fall of Wonder Woman.
Many of you know I have identified with being Wonder Woman since I was a child. Able to leap struggle by leaps and bounds, able to dodge random bullets, hurdle various obstacles without so much as a scratch.
But this time… the magic lasso of truth is wrapped around me and I cannot run from it.
Wonder Woman ain’t a wonder any more.  The outfit doesn’t fit and the shoes are busted. I’m thrown off. Knocked down and dragged like a cheap rag doll through the street for show.
And it’s a sad sight to see buddy.
They say the truth has to hurt you to change you and I’m telling you the truth has hurt me so bad……. the truth gonna set me free. I don’t wanna be free. I’m not ready. I wasnt ready.  I didn’t even prepare a speech for this honor. I was totally caught off guard.

But hey, it’s just feelings right? I mean, who needs a heart anyway? I guess I’ll add myself to the donor list.  This one I got is broken.

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I need a few days to recover.  All I’ve been able to do is cry.  Yes………. me. Cry…………. crying………
I cant believe it either.

Each time a man connects with a woman sexually and releases his life form energy within her, he leaves a part of his information (DNA) in her birth canal.

Speaks the truth. This has been a topic of discussion for the past few days.
Here’s another perspective

Black Liberation Love of N Unity

Love-sexual-energy

The desire for sex is the most powerful of human desires. “When driven by this desire, men develop keenness of imagination, courage, will-power, persistence, and creative ability unknown to them at other times.” says Napoleon Hill in his classic book, Think and Grow Rich.

Now, YOU can use your Sexual energy to purposely power up your brain and let your creative genius juices flow.

Each time a man connects with a woman sexually and releases his life form energy within her, he leaves a part of his information (DNA) in her birth canal.

If she doesn’t clean herself, his energy stay inside of her. That imprint can often create illusion of a sexual addiction. When a men or a women decide to have multiple partners, it can send mixed emotional signals within the inside of the body’s vibration system. Women must be careful of different energies or spiritual forces polluting their internal temple.

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