Permanent Things with Temporary People

10 May

They say when you know better, you do better. I believe that is not the case for most people. Myself included.  I know better, I have yet to do better. Sitting here shaking my head at myself.

Whats the problem you ask? Well, I do permanent things with temporary people causing prolonged feelings of anger and resentment.   I am truly looking to get to the bottom of this illness I have. I have been in a constant battle. The battle is with myself. Asking myself…”Why you say that?”…The answer, put as simply as possible: I must be in a battle between what I need, what I want and what I accept. Its craziness, lunacy and psychotic.
I have always thought of myself as someone who looks for the long term return instead of the short term profit. But it seems that I have been doing alot of self sabotage. Especially with the people that I keep in my personal life. Is this a way to keep myself from having to deal with people in a trusting and committed relationship? Or am I truly scared to succeed?

I dont know. ..but I know I need some help.

Dating after Divorce

6 Mar

Okay….so now your divorced. You have dealt with the pain associated with that and its time to move on. Now you have to move into unfamiliar territory. DATING. Omg…..it can be scary I’m sure. There’s so many crazies out here and when your dating usually you find them. Or maybe you will be ok because I am the one the crazies follow. I am so serious. If you wanna find a crazy man- ask me where they are and if I dont know all I gotta do is go outside and I can find you about 10 of them in 10 minutes. Its a curse I tell ya! lol

With things being the way they are as far as the “pickings” go, I am noticing that more people are opting for meeting people online. You know, cyberdating. you dont have to go anywhere and it can get all the preliminaries out the way before the actual meet. A way to break the ice so to speak. Then when you actually meet face to face their is a certain kind of familiarity to the person. This can be scary as well…I mean, you never know who you are talking to you or when they will show their true face instead of their representative. You dont wanna be catfished………
Does that make sense? Everyone is a nice guy or a good girl until you start seeing them and you eventually find out why they are single. One word: CRAZY.
I for one think I am a crazy man magnet. I get all the crazies. Probably because I have so many mental issues myself. Smh @ me! One thing I know is that there are so many people out here with so much misinformation passed off as true shit that they have mislead themselves and others there whole lives. They go online and seek to mislead more. It is crazy.

Ok ok….let me get back to the topic. Dating after divorce can be something that brings about a nervousness. But if you are ready to go forward with ur life, it can be very rewarding as well. I mean really…….you already know what you dont want. Go on out there and find out what you do! And have fun while your at it. You’re not getting any younger! Lol.

Next time y’all.

Emotional Rollercoaster Relationships

20 Feb

You know, some relationships touch your core. Tug at your soul, play games with your mind, fuck with your understanding. But you love every minute of it and nobody can take you away from it. It’s your destiny and creates purpose that surpasses all understanding. Completely emotional, completely irrational and yet totally fulfilling.

You can feel so lost in this love one minute and so undesired the next. Back and forth, up and down so fast that the bottom falls from my stomach while tears fall from my eyes and laughter leaves my lips……………..Crazy. How do you understand the dynamics of some relationships?

In my experience,  most relationships where the people have been together for years they have already made distinctive battle lines around previous painful emotional scars where they have pushed each others hot buttons.  All one of them has to do is use a certain tone of voice, have a certain look on their face or act too “nonchalant” and the other person goes in on the shit they know will get a response or the response that satisfies them at the time.  One of them is getting their rebuttal ready in their head because  they “know” what the other is going to say before the they even say it. That’s the bullshit right there I don’t like.  The struggle for power begins and neither one of them will even notice when to retreat or throw in the towel.  They start pulling out old shit they were supposed to have gotten over or reference the previous lover to prove their point of how neither one is “stupid” and he or she ain’t slick.  Ha!!  A constant fight to see who is right and who is wrong. Both are losers.

In order to understand the reasoning for such ups and downs in the relationship you must first understand each other. Understand the real people, not the representatives that presented themselves in the beginning of the relationship. Now that time has passed, comforts have also set in along with the realization of a one on one relationship. This starts a level unsaid expectations.
Someone once told me that when you expect nothing you are not let down when you receive it. We tend to place extraordinary expectations on people without giving them the needed info to meet those expectations. Causing unnecessary stress on your significant other and strain on weakening limbs. You can’t hold love up if all you’re gonna do it tear it right back down. Leave it alone.

The rollercoaster is really caused by insecurity between one or both parties involved. The ups and downs are caused by fear. The back and forth is caused by jealously and envy. Mistrust causes misuse. And all this negativity equals love? Complete disfunction means impending destruction.
Yet, a lot of us love Rollercoasters. Smh.
Not me…rollercoasters make me sick so I stay away from amusement parks. Im leaving it alone.

“Realistically Speaking ……..Kiki”

 

 

 

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MOTHER MAY I?

3 Dec

It seems as though I am speaking to so many women who have some type of issue/issues with their Mother. It touches a sore spot for me because I too struggle with my relationship with my mom. Now, I love my mother. She is my mother. She brought me in the world and gave me life and strength. But there are other things she gave me as well I would have rathered her keep. But I digress. This is not about me.

 I am reflecting on a conversation I had with a young lady who said her mother was/is manipulatI’ve and very controlling. That this type of mother gave her a complex that is affecting her current relationships. Here’s my take on it. I think I have figured it out……

Children of difficult/controlling mothers, as well as others who have had difficulties/issues growing up can show great resilience. They appear to be very emotionally enept or uncaring. Very headstrong and extremely motivated. These children however have lifelong issues in regards to establishing a comfortable self-worth and have many trust issues.

Realistically speaking, a manipulative or difficult mother is way more than somebody who we have problems with from time to time. A real difficult mother is one who presents her children a undeniable and profound dilemma: “Either grow a dam complex along with mental constriction or confinement to keep a relationship with me-( even though it puts in jeopardy your own outlook, imagination and mental state, and values) or suffer ridicule, resentment, mistreatment, disapproval, or rejection.
Basically, do what the fuck I say do or get the fuck out. And I’ll make everyone else treat you like shit too. Because if you not gonna do what the fuck I say then yoy ain’t gonna do shit.  I’ll make sure of it. ( said in the most selfish mom voice I have)

 As a parent…..I am guilty of trying to control my children. Or sometimes bullying them to get my way..but then I think about how when I was younger. How I couldn’t stand it when my momma said..”Do ——– or ??. It pissed me off and stayed with me. As a child….and I am still someone’s child even though I’m almost 40yrs old. I see certain things are still affecting my adult life.

My friend said this weekend that her children have damaged parents and its up to her to heal herself so she can be healthy for her children. I wholeheartedly agree. Its up to us to heal ourselves in order to not curse our own children. Allowing them to suffer unknowingly from our own damage. You can’t control every situation. You just pray that you have equipped them enough to deal with life accordingly. That’s enough for me.

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“Really?”

24 Nov

I have always wanted to know what is the difference between jealousy and envy. I have never been a person who has been jealous of others. In my relationships or in my friendships. I could take it or leave it. I have however been the subject of jealousy…especially amongst my relationships and it has boggled my mind about how some people come up with the ideas that they do.

Jealousy is a feeling driven from an involuntary emotion that causes unnecessary problems at times for some but can ultimately be the glue that holds the relationship together or the rips that tears it apart. Some believe that jealousy can be healthy. That you need some type of jealousy to show your significant other how much you care for them. Then others believe that any sign of jealousy is a red light! That means stop the whole thing….don’t move forward, don’t move on Go!! In other words…when the devil show you his hand why try to guess different? What’s the hardest part of a relationship? Not being trusted. Accusations fly constantly about everything. Because your significant other is totally insecure. Insecurities are dangerous to any relationship. Always being accused breaks down the defenses and wears down the love you have for the person your with. What’s wrong with me?? What is the fucking problem now I mean dam??!! I truly think I have walked into some bullshit that I cannot get out of wirh my right fucking mind. It’s called the Twilight zone. It’s where all the crazy shit goes. I think I’m just gonna be one of those women who don’t speak until spoken to and even then my answers will be one words.
Lately, I have been in the process of re-evaluation. Really looking at those people around me who are genuine or pretending to be. I have really looked over my life and seen where I went wrong.
See, I have this nonchalant attitude towards things on the outside. I act as though things didn’t bother me, I soak up what people say and play the position of a person who knows nothing. Just to make others feel comfortable with me. Dumb myself down, block my light so others can feel superior. All This was done…..for what? Because people are jealous of anybody that they cannot control or confuse.

It’s sad when you realize that who was for you is not. Over the years I have developed (so I thought) so many friendships with people based upon their own lies a deceit. To find out that you were a friend to your friend and your friend was not a friend to you….its the most hurtful, disgusting thing ever. Beware of false faces who hid behind smiles when really the smile is a sneer.

I also have been re-evaluating myself as a person. I mean…really. I havent been the best anything. Mother, daughter, sister, friend, wife, girlfriend, shit…..I havent been the best me at all. Its time that this changes. I believe it will change because I have actually realized it, accepted it and set out to try to get it together before it takes too much control of me. Until then I won’t be happy at all. Not at all…..like I am not happy now.

Sidenote: You can dress a pig up in the prettiest dress, the best makeup and the fliest wig money can buy. Its still a pig. Keep it real.

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D.I.V.O.R.C.E

17 Nov

Hey, As some of you may know….i am recently divorced.
I haven’t been writing lately because I been in my feelings. I didn’t think it was going to feel the way that I do about it  but now that it has and is happening it makes me feel like I failed. One thing in my life I have not enjoyed being is a failure. I don’t like to lose at anything and I think that this relationship failing puts me into a real funky mood. I’m trying to figure out if I’m feeling like I do because I loved him and wanted my marriage to work or am I just feeling like I don’t want to lose. For some reason the latter sounds about right. Even though he and I were separated for 2 years, now that its official…..I can’t help but feel sad. I also feel a little anxiety because i am in a relationship and I definitely dont want the same ending as my marriage. Broken beyond repair
One thing I think I’m mourning is the friendship we shared for 16 yrs. You mean to tell me that even though the relationship ended I lose my friend? One of the only true friends I have left in my life? You mean its over? For real? You mean I can’t talk to you about my daily happenings ever again? How did we get to this point?

I have to admit my part in the demise of my relationship. I can be really paranoid and because of that I tend to take it very personal when people hurt me and react in ways that are not so positive. I should have took a step back and chose the right reaction. My reaction(s) to his mistake is now causing me tremendous grief. 2 and a half years after the fact. Ain’t that crazy? After the fact?
I  tend to grieve later for almost everything I think. I put it all away until later because I don’t allow myself to deal with the shit when it happens. Cause I “don’t have the time”. That’s why I’m just mourning my grandmother damn 5 yrs later!! I didn’t have time to deal with my old lady’s death…….I didn’t believe she was actually gone. Now that we are through (He and I) it feels like the both of them died. And it just happened. And the rest of my life is falling apart around me because even though I don’t like to lose I have given up. That does not make sense. No sense at all.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E  means much more to me than the end. Hopefully I can make it become a beginning for me to be better. Especially for my current love. Wish me luck!!

Realistically Speaking…….Kiki

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